a prose piece by Kelsey
Sijambo! Yes, the United States. No, I've been here since January. Not until May. No, no wooden giraffes for me today. Because they're huge and will never fit in my suitcase. No, no. Ok dude, shoving the keychains in my face doesn't make them any less tacky, Hapana, Asante. Rasta mama? That's a new one. Nice change from mzungu. No, I do not want to pay 300ksh to ride the camel. Yes, I see you put a little straw hat on him. My answer is still no. Ok, get the camel's head out of my face and niache, tafadhali.
Wow, the water is so warm. Holy crap, there's like 20 men to every woman. This won't be good. No, I don't need swimming lessons, I know how to swim. Yes, we do swim in the U.S. We have several lakes and two oceans, in fact. No, I won't race you. Or date you. I don't have a phone. I don't know my address. I like Obama and Clinton both. Yes, I know Obama's father was from Kenya. No, I don't prefer Clinton because I'm a racist. Let's please stop talking about U.S. politics. Because I'm sick of explaining myself. No, I don't think all Muslims are terrorists. No, I don't, quit telling me how I think. Leave me alone. Niache. Because I don't like you, Sikupendi. How can I feel free when you won't go away? NIACHE! Eww, why are you making suggestive gestures at me, old man? I'm not coming any closer. You've got to be pushing 60. Enough with the eyebrows, when has that maneuver ever been successful? Please don't swim closer, ok guys, let's go. Crap, they're swarming. Time to bolt it to the host brother.
All right, time to find a matatu. This one is empty, let's go. Ok, full now, let's head back. Wait a minute, the conductor seriously thinks we can fit 20 people in a 14 passenger van? Hi, yes, yes I know I'm white, thanks, I forgot for a whole 2 seconds. Excuse me? Is my father a terrorist? Because he made one sexy bomb? Ok, that has to be the worst line I've ever received. No, no Nabil, please don't threaten to beat him. You're not very big and will surely die. Just ignore him, I'm used to it. No, I don't have a phone, I don't know my address. Oh thank God, my stop.
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Well. Ahem. I'm not sure I needed to read that. "One sexy bomb?" "No. One sexy nuclear bomb you moron and I'll come over there and shove it down your throat if you ever . . ." wait, must suppress inner Ugly American.
I hear in Grampa's day they used "Hubba hubba ding ding, baby you've got everything." In my day it was "What's your sign?" Not that I ever used that of course, I just, um, know that is what they used.
A son in Vegas, a daughter swarmed on a beach in Kenya . . . yeah, that's pretty much always been my dream. Uh-huh. On the bright side maybe the cold Minnesota lakes with leeches won't seem so bad after all.
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